Kayla's Story - A teenage girl's perspective on divorce.

I've been going through my parents' divorce for three years.

At first I was going to live with my mom, and then my dad started talking about things that my mom did that made him unhappy and a bunch of other things that made me dislike my mom. So I told my mom I wanted to live with my dad and she went to her room and cried. Then she told me later she didn't want me living with my dad.

My dad told me it would be OK if I wanted to live with my mom. But then he turned on me. When I told him I didn't care who I wanted to live with anymore, he told me that he had spent a bunch of money trying to get me and that if I lived with my mom again, I could never live with him if things got bad.

Mom has had her share of crap too. She told me that if I lived with dad then she would have to move out of the house and live with her parents because she wouldn't have enough money anymore. My Mom even told me once that she would have killed herself a long time ago if it wasn't for me.

I'm not supposed to know what has gone on or has been going on, 14 or not, I'm the child in the divorce and I shouldn't even be in the middle.

The thing about living with my dad is I'd have to go to a large school. He's in a big city while I'm in a little town right now with my mom. Large Schools scare me now. I'm comfortable here with my Mom, most of the time. I also have friends here, my counsellor is the best in the state, my school is dear to me, no matter how many posers, jerks, or sex- seeking boys are there.

I feel like whatever person I choose, it'll make everyone think I'm selfish and I'll feel selfish. It makes me feel stupid.

Another thing is that I feel like my Dad is fickle. He hated cats his whole life. Then after the divorce he got a cat. He had been out of love with my mom for 10 years before he filed the divorce and he already had someone in mind whom he liked. She has a cat too. He acts very nice to his girlfriend. I've never seen him snap at her. Of course he snaps at me for the littlest of things sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if he does this because I'm acting like my Mom or something. He said he doesn't want me to become like Mom. I'm tired of trying not to be one or the other. It stresses me out. I just get tired of trying and if I notice that I'm doing something like my Mom (or my Dad) then I'll see about correcting it later if it becomes a habit.

I worry myself sick with it whenever I do think about it, thus I try to shove it to the back of my head and deal with it another time.

I constantly think about graduating and moving out. It may sound selfish and I would never do it, but I've thought about moving up north and not giving them my phone number for a few months, just to get away. But I don't think I'd have the heart to.